I think about her. And her. And her too. But mostly her.
Over the years, I've had my fair share of thinking about Love, or more precisely its lack thereof, but recently things started to change slowly, and reading Ryan Leslie's comments on his adidas video, "When I Think About Love", got me thinking - again - about that.
Not only have I thought about it, trying to figure out what's wrong with me, but my friends, and most notably my girl friends, wondered a lot about it. So many times, I've been asked that same question : "well, have you ever been In Love ?" and every time, the same silence... Of course I've been in Love... a long time ago... Lately ? Not so much. And it's not like I haven't met anyone love worthy. I've had a few really good (girl) friends, most of them ending up being confidents and asking me about all that... I've had a couple girlfriends here and there... But for some reason, I couldn't seem to fall in love any more. I mean, true Love, when you know this is right there, in front of your eyes and you just want to go for it. No doubts. No questions. Not necessarily saying you have to know she's The One, but at least, you know you want to give it a try, and when it happens, everything just feels so right.
So YES, I've been there, at least 2 times, the memories are still very vivid, and yet every time this question pops up, the words fail me. The memories are instantly swept away by the wondering. What made me this way. Have I had my heart broken ? I don't think so, I've been the one breaking up eventually every time. Well, the first time it was more a matter of choosing to be single rather than being in a frustrating relationship, but it was still my decision. Have I broken her heart ? Of course she's moved on since, but that second girl, I guess I did break her heart that day. And it did break mine to do that. I'll always remember hearing her cry from the other side of the wall, wanting to go hug her so bad, but I had to stay strong, because it wasn't my place to be.
I don't think I've ever been In Love again afterwards, so maybe it's just coincidence, but I actually think I just wasn't ready for another round. My heart broken into multiple pieces, all of them fully functional, but none of them capable of taking over the others. I've had very strong bonds with more (girl) friends, but I haven't been in a relationship for years after that. I put everything I had in friendship and nothing in love. Reminds me a lot of how Alicia Keys put that to words : "she's just a girl that is your friend", except they weren't "just girls". I truly was committed to friendship, until I finally gave it another try at relationship, with no luck. Everything was ok, but the feelings weren't there. And there goes the heartbreak again.
During all those years, my reflexions have been intense, and I've tried to put them to words. I've tried expressing things I didn't even understand. I've been taking notes of what went through my mind, and I've tried turning those into lyrics, back when I was in hardcore bands. Nothing ever really came out clear enough.
And then here I am, a few years later, watching Ryan Leslie's "When I Think About Love" video, reading his comments on what the song is about, and thinking : "This Is It". For the first time, I'm putting words on what's going on in my mind, and these are not even mine.
"This record is about having the guts to admit you're not ready to fully commit and in fact you're actually just thinking about the concept of love."OK, this sounds like a bunch of crap. The typical "I'm not ready" easy way out. But the following is a completely different story.
"My song is about the thinking thats necessary in order to be sure that you want to take someone on your love trip.
It feels good to confidently know that youre earnestly thinking about what your next move will be. So the next time you've got the urge to jump all the way in, take a few minutes to rock this record and think about whether you're really sure."
So... When I think about love... who am I thinking about ? I'm thinking about these 2 girl I used to love. I'm thinking about my close friends, past and present, and these girls with whom I've had such a special relationship. And mostly, I think about her. Like I said, just recently, things started to change. My multiple hearts were still independently dedicated to multiple friendship, but one of them started to grow bigger and stronger. To the point that I'm actually wondering "What now ?".
I'm wondering wether I'm ready to take her on my love trip and go for it.
I wonder if she's aware of all that. I wonder if she's gon' figure it out if she reads this.
Maybe I shouldn't post. After all, I haven't told her anything yet, because I don't want to screw anything up until I'm sure I want to go for it, so why should I risk it here ? Well, it's simple. The words failed me for so long, this is such an important step towards recovery, so I need to let it all out somehow. And keep putting the pieces back together.Ryan says that maybe we'll end up playing his song over and over again while enjoying the process of just thinking before we do anything. Even though the lyrics of the song do not carry exactly the same meaning to me as Ryan's comments about the song, it definitely has its place in my playlist of "unskippable tracks", and it will definitely have me thinking about Love every time I hear it.
And when I think about Love, I think about her.